another moral hangover. fuck.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
