I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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