i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
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