Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
