You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Randomize
