I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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