Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
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I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
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I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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