i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
