Jerry, you need to find god
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
