I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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