In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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