I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
