omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
