She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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