my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
