Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
