My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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