just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Randomize
