got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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