I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
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Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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