Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
