sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
