you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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