I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
