where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
