Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize