so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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