Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
