Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
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I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
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I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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