i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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