I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize