My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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