I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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