Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
