you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
my liver is dry heaving
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
