i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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