Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
my shit smells like andre
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
