Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
