We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Randomize
