just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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