I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
