I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
please come you make the beer taste better
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
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