ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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