Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
