Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
