did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sobbing to NWA
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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