I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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