I chose taco bell over sex...
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.