can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange