Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
