When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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