turn off your phone and go to bed
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.