I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"