you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
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I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
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I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles