i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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